


where do we draw the line

by thelostcolony



Series: The Life and Times of Team Red [6]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Angst, Gen, I think not, Mentions of Death, Mentions of crime, Panic Attacks, Texting, WOW did we want FLUFF and HUMOR in this joint?, cursing, gratuitous mentions of Shawn Spencer, peter stress bakes sorry i WISH i made the rules
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-04-14 15:26:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14138931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelostcolony/pseuds/thelostcolony
Summary: hawkass: so did anyone know peter stress bakes(Or: The One Where They Try To Fix Things, And Instead Everything Gets Sixteen Thousand Times Worse.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HAHA okay so this fic first of all is set THREE WEEKS after the last one (as if i'm not posting it six months later it's fine tho)  
> also i was like "wow i really want the minor charas to shine" so that's who this whole fic features so i hope you enjoy that (also like i really hope you guys weren't looking for something fun bc Yikes this was sixteen pages of pure unadulterated ANGST)
> 
> uhhh some warnings and important notes: lots of cursing, LOTS more cursing, everyone curses in this now, it's a curse-y kind of a situation; this fic is set three weeks after the last; AND Wanda Maximoff's backstory is TOTALLY meshed together because fuck the MCU I'll use the word mutant wherever I damn want

_________

 

_petesquad 2.0_

  
**hawkass:** so did anyone know peter stress bakes  
  
**little-red:** this is a bad name for this chat

  
  
_little-red changed the name to squadpete._

  
  
**hawkass:** really  
  
  
**the-cooler-hawkeye:** i have to say i love peter all the more for his stress baking i took brownies on a stakeout w me last night they were heavenly  
  
  
**hawkass:** that’s extortion  
  
  
**the-cooler-hawkeye:** define extortion  
  
  
**hawkass:** i’ve heard it both ways  
  
  
**little-red:** do you think quoting shawn spencer makes you cool  
  
  
**hawkass:** shawn spencer is my patronus  
  
  
**Foggy:** I genuinely hate that I’m included in this chat  
  
  
**Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** If it’s awkward for you, we can remove you.  
  
  
**Foggy:** no it’s fine i was mostly joking but like. i guess it’s weird that I know more than Matt. I mean I know we’re keeping him updated but like... it’s been almost three weeks and it’s not resolved yet  
  
  
**themainbird:** Sorry, I was baking with Peter  
  
  
**themainbird:** he’s so stressed, poor kid  
  
  
**themainbird:** I know what you mean. Bucky’s been updating me and according to him, Matt is... adamant that Remy not come back into the house and Steve says he isn’t having much luck finding Remy  


  
**hawkass:** yea that jackass fucked right off when the going got tough huh  
  
  
**the-cooler-hawkeye:** hey watch your mouth we all know cursing summons steve  
  
  
**Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** You know how Remy is.  
  
  
**little-red:** I don’t think this is a good time for joking @the-cooler-hawkeye  
  
  
**hawkass:** I just can’t believe the little shit isn’t answering Peter’s calls??? like YEA pete was pissed and dismissed him but PETER IS THE FIFTEEN YEAR OLD  
  
  
**themainbird:** Remy hasn’t dealt with a shred of responsibility in his life, so I’m sure he’s considering himself the faulted party  
  
  
**Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** You’re all looking at this from the wrong perspective. Remy isn’t the villain here. It’s not just his fault.  
  
  
**hawkass:** so you’re DEFENDING him???? SERIOUSLY??? Natasha Peter went to you CRYING IN A PANIC ATTACK ON YOUR DOORSTEP WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED  
  
  
**themainbird:** I mean, I don’t think Remy’s utterly the villain, but he’s definitely at fault here.  
  
  
**Foggy:** Guys  
  
  
**the-cooler-hawkeye:** why are WE fighting about this THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT PETER DOESNT WANT  
  
  
**Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** No, you’re not listening. He’s not the only one at fault here because it’s all our faults.  
  
  
**hawkass:** OUR FAULT  
  
  
**little-red:** Kate is right. We can’t fight like the others are right now. Peter is using us for support and we can’t begin to disagree with each other. He’d feel the tension.  
  
  
**themainbird:** That’s true. We need to put up a united front, at least to give Peter some stability. And I don’t see how Matt and Remy fighting is our fault.  


**hawkass:** because it ISN’T our faults it’s THEIR FAULTS and they haven’t fucking WORKED ANYTHING OUT  
  
  
**Foggy:** NO NATASHA’S RIGHT  
  
  
**Foggy:** GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND LISTEN TO THE ACTUAL LAWYER HERE FOR A MINUTE  
  
**  
** **Foggy:** It’s not JUST Remy’s fault, okay??? It’s Matt’s too! And Steve’s, and Bucky’s, and mine and all of ours  
  
  
**Foggy:** except you wanda you’re a blessing and we’re happy you’re here  
  
  
**Foggy:** THE POINT IS we were ALL negligent. Peter didn’t come to ANY of us to help him, and NONE of us noticed Matt and Remy fighting that bad.  YES, much of the blame falls to them for fighting in the first place; I GET that, I believe that, I am 100% behind that. But WE’RE THE ONES who didn’t notice anything and didn’t even ASK. I mean—WANDA KNEW  BECAUSE SHE’S HIS FRIEND??? and what is SHE going to do, betray Peter’s trust????  
  
  
**little-red:** I told him he should tell one of you, but he was always insistent on not bothering you.  
  
  
**Foggy:** This is EXACTLY what I mean??? Why does Peter even think he’s a bother IN THE FIRST PLACE?  
  
  
**Foggy:** that’s on us. That’s our fault. Matt and Remy are responsible for the fighting, but Peter’s the one who felt like he couldn’t come to ANY OF US to talk it out.  
  
  
**the-cooler-hawkeye:** ... i met peter like a month and a half ago  
  
  
**the-cooler-hawkeye:** not saying it’s not my fault but putting out there he probably wouldn’t have come to me anyway  
  
  
**the-cooler-hawkeye:** kid has trust issues like Whoa  
  
  
**themainbird:** No. Foggy’s right. It’s our responsibility that he felt he couldn’t come to us. And Kate, you’re right; Peter likely wouldn’t have gone to you—or to me, for that matter. I haven’t been as warm as I should be towards Peter because I felt he would feel examined because all of you seem to think that "volunteer at the VA" equates to "trauma therapist". That doesn’t excuse the fact that I didn’t reach out to him like I should have, knowing Peter isn’t quick to fully trust and knowing that I would have to put in the effort to get him to open up.  
  
  
**the-cooler-hawkeye:** yeah.  


**Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** Now that we’ve successfully played the blame game, let’s leave it alone. Peter doesn’t need to know about it, and we don’t need to stress him out any more than he already is.  


**little-red:** …...i’m gonna bake pineapple upside down cake with him  


**little-red:** like shawn spencer lol @hawkass

_______

  


_New iMessage to rem._

 

 **hawkass:** listen, i’ve fucking had it, okay? it’s been almost three weeks and you haven’t answered any of peter’s calls or texts and haven’t done a SINGLE thing to correct your mistakes.  


**hawkass:** you’re the one who throws tables, and gets drunk, and says shitty things, NOT peter. you’re THE ADULT, leBeau, do you understand me? it’s not peter’s JOB to look after you when you’re drunk and stumbling home, it’s not peter’s JOB to take care of you and make sure you feel loved, and you know WHY? because he’s fucking FIFTEEN and he’s an orphan and WE’RE THE PEOPLE TAKING CARE OF HIM  


**hawkass:** go ahead, ignore me. I don’t fucking care. just know that peter’s probably better off without you here anyway. but you fucking know what? don’t you dare come back if you’re gonna stay away. you don’t get to break his heart like that and walk out and then think you can walk right the fuck back in.

 

_______

 

_New iMessage to little-red._

  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:**  so are you going to tell me what you and the others are fighting about or am i going to have to awkwardly finagle it out of you  


**little-red:** it’s just tense, is all. it really has nothing to do with you, i promise  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** that’s a lie  


**little-red:** yeah it is  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** i’m a big boy, wanda, i can handle it  


**little-red:** it’s just. it’s really not much to do with you, Peter. it’s more like… everyone is sort of wondering why you didn’t feel comfortable enough to approach them, but it’s not your fault and honestly if you apologize to them i’m 98.9% sure Natasha is going to kick whoever’s ass you apologized to because she’s VERY protective of you  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** ... gotcha  


**little-red:** and genuinely, no one is blaming you. They’re just wondering what it is they can do better so that you trust them more to approach them more often.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** honestly wanda like?? it was never about trusting them?? like yea okay i won’t go to them and i didn’t want to bother them, but it’s mostly because the only one who seemed to notice the tension was me, and i didn’t want to upset the balance of the team by saying anything, which i did ANYWAY  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** and like i’m kinda wishing i never said anything because if i HADNT nothing would have happened you know like we’d all still be a team and friends and we’d all still like each other and remy would still be here and matt wouldn’t be so clipped with me  


**little-red:** you didn’t break the team, Peter. You really didn’t. this has been a long time coming, and if it wasn’t you who finally said something, then someone else would have noticed it, or else Remy or Matt would have finally had it out with each other, which would have been a thousand times worse.  


**little-red:** plus?? the team isn’t broken? At least, not from my point of view  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** seriously?? are you kidding??  


**little-red:** no  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** there’s a week til christmas and half the team isn’t speaking to each other, the other half is pissed off at matt or remy or BOTH, and i’m the one who did it all  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** if i had just kept my mouth shut about feeling cramped none of this would have happened and i wouldn’t have FUCKED UP SO BAD  


**little-red:** can i ask a question? you don’t have to answer it if you dont want to  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** sure  


**little-red:** Peter… why haven’t you moved back in with Matt? I mean I’m not complaining I love hanging out for movie nights and Clint and Kate love having you and I’m sure Sam and Natasha love hanging with you as well  


**little-red:** but don’t you think like… don’t you miss Matt?  


**little-red:** sorry i. should not have asked  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** no it’s. fine  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** it’s whatever  


**little-red:** wanna make a pineapple upside down cake? clint’s in a shawn spencer mood  


**little-red:** oh and kate mentioned bringing your heaven brownies on her stakeout so we could make those instead if you want  


**little-red:** or we could make both? there’s a gif somewhere of that movie you showed me  


**little-red:** we could watch that again while we bake  


**little-red:** it was pretty funny i wouldn’t mind watching it again  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** it’s not even like i’m afraid to go back to the apartment, you know? like i know that matt would welcome me back and i’m not even afraid of the lecture i’d receive for running off and not telling him sooner about how uncomfortable i was you know? it’s just like. i know he didn’t exactly want to adopt me in the first place and i don’t want to have to put that on him especially because he totally did not need a teenager in his life? who literally brought… three people to live in his one person apartment? like matt has done so much for me and i feel like all i’ve done is drag him into drama and give him grey hair you know lol  


**little-red:** peter, no…  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** it’s fine i’m not done  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** it’s like  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** did i tell you how my uncle died?  


**little-red:** no.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** he was shot across the street from me for trying to stop a robber steal money that I let him steal right in front of me. he thanked me for not saying anything. my uncle was out of the house because he was looking for me because we were in an argument and i stormed off.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** and he died because of me  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** did i ever you what my last words to my aunt may were?  


**little-red:** no.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** i told her i loved her and she told me she loved me. but it fucking sucks, wanda, because she died. anyway.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** all these great powers, all this responsibility, it’s bullshit, because the truth is wanda i’m just a coward who doesn’t want to go home and face my only guardian who’s a guy who BARELY KNEW ME WHEN HE ADOPTED ME because i don’t have any family left and i was stupid enough to break up the one i fucking MADE because i couldn’t take being UNCOMFORTABLE FOR A HOT MINUTE  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** I fucking killed my uncle, my aunt died because i’m spiderman, and now this it’s just  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** i really can’t do this wanda i can’t do it again  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** i can’t lose anyone i can’t i can’t i’m not strong  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** i’m just a dumb kid from queens who doesn’t know shit  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** and i don’t know what todo  


**little-red:** peter. I want you to listen to me. none of this is your fault. I know it feels like it is. trust me, i do. i thought it was my fault that my mom died. and I thought that i wasn’t fast enough or strong enough to protect pietro when he died, when he was always protecting me. when it mattered most, i couldn’t protect him like he had always done to me, and it was the worst feeling in the world. my father is a man who thinks he’s doing right and is instead making everything worse for mutants. when i did not want to be apart of it, i had to forcefully leave not because he wanted me to stay as his child but because i was a valuable member of his brotherhood. since then, he hasn’t contacted me or spoken with me. so i get feeling like you’re the screw up. but you’re not.  


**little-red:** change is awful. it’s scary. i thought, when the Sokovia Accords, came around, that my family was being torn apart, too. but Tony smoothed it out, and though i have never felt particularly warm towards Tony, i consider him my family and I’m grateful that he’s trying to keep it together best he can, even with the betrayal he suffered. he could have let our team scatter completely, let Steve go off on his own like he wanted to in order to track down HYDRA. But instead they’re working together, Steve still based in New York, Bucky walking free thanks to Matt and Foggy. and they don’t associate much, but they’re still here and they’re still my family.  


**little-red:** the point I’m trying to make, Peter, is that Remy and Matt had a fight similar to Steve and Tony’s but, I think it’s fair to say, on a much smaller scale. it’s a family matter rather than a political one. and I think that if people like Steve and Tony can get over their politics, then Remy and Matt can get over their disagreements.  


**little-red:** and as for you not wanting to burden Matt—Peter, Matt LOVES you. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. He loves you, and he’d give the whole world to you if he could. He doesn’t show it often, and when he does it’s quiet, but it’s there, and I don’t think he feels burdened at all that you’re there. And he’s a grown man; you didn’t MAKE him house three other heroes, he CHOSE to. He’s an adult and can make his own decisions, and that was one he made.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** because I ASKED  


**little-red:** AND HE COULD SAY YES Peter  


**little-red:** you literally CANNOT convince Matt to do something he doesn’t want to do, you CAN’T  


**little-red:** Not just because he’s an adult, but because he’s /Matthew Murdock/  


**little-red:** if you COULD convince Matt to do things he didnt want to do, the only change would be how frequently you go out on patrol and do homework, and that’s the truth.  


**little-red:** you didn’t BREAK the team. You didn’t. I mean, you’re team RED, right?? Really Emotional Dicks. something like this was bound to happen eventually, but you really emotional dicks will fix it because not all those emotions are negative. You love them a lot, and you make them love each other too.  


**little-red:** and SURE that’s cheesy, but it’s true  


**little-red:** and peter, you cannot be afraid to screw things up. you really can’t. it will destroy you. it will just eat you up until you have nothing left. nothing is ever anyone’s single fault, and that includes all that’s happened TO you. it isn’t BECAUSE of you.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** but like. literally if I wasn’t spiderman and if i didn’t get these powers and if i didnt get uncle ben killed none of this would have happened you know  


**little-red:** so meeting matt was a bad thing  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** what?  


**little-red:** meeting me was a bad thing  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** that’s not what i meant and you know that  


**little-red:** meeting clint and kate was a bad thing  


**little-red:** meeting natasha and steve and bucky and remy were all bad things  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** no of course not  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** stop twisting my words  


**little-red:** well by your logic being spiderman screwed everything up and made everything bad, no? so therefore everything that happened while you were spiderman was bad  


**little-red:** saving kids  


**little-red:** stopping rapists  


**little-red:** catching criminals and murderers  


**little-red:** saving people from burning buildings  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** no BUT NONE OF THAT MAKES UP FOR THE FACT THAT MY WHOLE FAMILY IS DEAD BECAUSE OF SPIDERMAN  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** IM SORRY WANDA I REALLY AM BUT IM SELFISH AND I GOTTA THINK THAT IF IT MEANT AUNT MAY AND UNCLE BEN WERE ALIVE THEN YEAH I WOULDNT BE SPIDERMAN  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** ITS LITERALLY ALL MY FAULT THEYRE DEAD  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT WANDA  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** EVERYDAY everyday i llive with thta everdyay  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** abd i cabt even go back and face matt becayse what if obe day its not a stupid messnup what uf one day i get him killed and tahts it thats all i have and i killed him too i wouldbt be able to do it i wouldnt be abke to live with myself i cant do it i cant i cant  


**little-red:** okay, Peter. It’s okay. take deep breaths, Peter, it’s okay  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** im sosory im okay i jsut cant talk right bbow  


**little-red:** it’s okay, Peter, take all the time you need, it’s okay  
  


 _______

 

 

 _New iMessage to the-cooler-hawkeye._  


**little-red:** i messed up  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** i was just about to message you  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** peter’s crying hysterically in the bathroom i think he’s having a panic attack  


**little-red:** fuck fcuk i messed up bad kate  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** okay please don’t have a panic attack on me too i dont need another one what’s happening why is he upset  


**little-red:** we were talking about aunt may and uncle ben and a lot of other things and I think he’s just freaking out about not returning to the apartment because he’s afraid he’ll get matt killed or something  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** oh fuck  


**little-red:** its my fault i asked him why he wasnt going back im so sorry  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** it’s okay it’s fine wanda i’m gonna focus on texting him now though because hes not answering me through the door  


**little-red:** yeah of course focus on him 

_______

   
 

_New iMessage to peter (not spiderman) parker._

  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** Pete, buddy, I need you to answer my texts, okay?  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** im ssory i cabt calmn down i cant talk  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** no it’s okay!! texting is fine. can you tell me what’s happening??  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** remy jsut wont answer my texts and im afriad soething happened to him abd tthat’s why he isnt comig home and i cant lose mattt i cant go back to the apartment please kate  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** no one’s making you go back to the apartment buddy that’s all you that’s your call i promise  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** anyone who tries to say otherwise is gonna have to go through me first  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** just take deep breaths, Peter, I’m here for you  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** can you unlock the door for me?  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** gimme a minute  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** you’re good bud take your time  
  


 _______

  

_squadpete_

 

 **the-cooler-hawkeye:** anyway me and peter are making cookies  


**themainbird:** what happened?  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** panic attacks because WHAT ELSE has happened  


**themainbird:** do you want me to talk to him?  


**the-cooler-hawkeye:** idk sam, what do YOU think you should do  


**Foggy:** you guys, we JUST had a conversation about not teaming up on each other  


**little-red:** Peter noticed the tension anyway; he asked me about it  


**hawkass:** and you told him?  


**little-red:** I won’t lie to him. He deserves to know the truth. He’s fifteen, not five  


**Natasha (THE Black Widow) Romanoff:** Wanda is right. Peter deserves to know what involves him. It isn’t fair to keep him in the dark.  


**Foggy:** GUYS  


**Foggy:** WE CANNOT FIGHT ABOUT THIS  


**Foggy:** You know what? This is ridiculous now  


_______

  


_New iMessage to matty._

  


**Foggy:** Matt I swear to God if you don’t figure this whole thing out by Christmas I’m going to kill you, bury the body, and be my own goddamn lawyer in the case  


**matty:** Peter had another panic attack.  


**Foggy:** YEAH, he DID, and you know why??? because he’s worried about accidentally screwing up YOUR life  


**Foggy:** YOU’RE THE ADULT, Matt.  


**matty:** I know Foggy. What would you have me do? Give Peter empty platitudes? Tell him I’m going to live forever? I have reassured him time and time again that I will do everything in my power to stay alive. I have told him that it wouldn’t be his fault if I died. Over and over. Do you think he believes me?  


**Foggy:** i don’t THINK matt i KNOW he doesn’t  


**matty:** And you think that me saying that again will change his mind?  


**matty:** When Peter first came to me he used to crawl into bed with me after nightmares. He still does. He is utterly embarrassed by it. Would you have me call him on it? You know as well as I do that calling Peter on that sort of thing could drive him away just as fast as it would open him up.

 

 **matty:** I would rather be a solid support system who never lies to Peter rather than one who gives Peter empty promises. If he needs space then I'm going to give him space. He hasn't asked me if he should come back yet and I won't pressure him into doing something he's not comfortable with.  


**Foggy:** you’re vigilantes, Matt. You could hang up the suit. You could make HIM hang up the suit. You’re his guardian.  


**matty:** We’ve been over this. I can’t and he won’t and me trying to make him would only drive him away.  


**matty:** You have no case Foggy. I’m sorry but you don’t. And I would rather wait until Peter feels comfortable approaching me than oppress him to the point where he feels he can no longer trust me.

 

_______

 

_New iMessage to peter (not spiderman) parker._

 

 **themainbird:** hey Pete! how you doing? I figured we could bake another cake or something today. I found this great recipe on Pinterest for a new mouse cake we could try.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** Kate told u about my panic attack huh  


**themainbird:** Yeah. She did. But she’s just worried about you, Peter. She meant well.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** I don’t blame her. I’d tell the group therapist too if it was my friend  


**themainbird:** Peter, that’s not why I’m here. I’m not here to therapy you. You’re not my patient, you’re my friend.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** no, I know that. just like… i don’t want you to feel obligated to listen to my problems just because you’re a therapist part time you know?  


**themainbird:** That’s very martyr like of you, but don’t worry about me. I’m tough, I can handle it. Also, not a therapist, just someone who volunteers at the VA.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** … thanks. i don’t really want to talk now but  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** if that mouse cake offer is still on the table i’m down  


**themainbird:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) you bet  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** oh my god why do you know the lenny face

   
_______

  

_New iMessage to rem._

 

_11/24/17_

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** good.  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** night.

_11/28/17  
  
_

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** hey. I’m sorry I dismissed you the other night. I was angry and I took it out on you and that wasn’t fair. I just wanted to apologize for that.  


_11/30/17  
  
_

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** No one’s heard from you in a few days and I just wanted to make sure you were okay  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** I know that I wasn’t fair when I wouldn’t talk to you and I know I shouldn’t have waited so long to apologize but I’m really sorry and I hope that you come back soon

_12/1/17  
  
_

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** Remy I don’t know if you’re getting these but I’m really really sorry. I overreacted about the whole thing and I shouldn’t have run away or even said anything. Matt’s talking to me and whatever and isn’t telling me he wants me to move back in yet which is fine but he aso isn’t saying anything about you, and Steve isn’t telling me much either when he answers just that he’s looking for you. I’m just really sorry.  


_12/2/17  
  
_

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** Remy i don’t know what to do like I don’t know how much to tell you I’m sorry i really am i shouldn’t have overreacted it wasn’t a big deal I’m sorry I know it would have been better if I didn’t say anything but i’m not even in matt’s apartment again yet and im not happy you’re gone please get back to me  


_12/4/17_

 

 **peter (not spiderman) parker:** i know i’m annoying you with these messages i’m just kinda worried now you know it’s been like a week and a half though and i know you’ve gone on really long binges before but im really worried could you at least let me know if you’re okay ok thank you  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** also this is peter  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** parker  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** just in case your phone bugged out or something and you couldn’t find my numberor something

 

_12/7/17_

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** remy really please are you ok??  


**peter (not spiderman) parker:** it’s peter parker

_12/9/17  
  
_

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** i’ll stop bothering you after this but um i hope you’re okay and that you’re safe and that you come home for the holidays because christmas is soon and it’s the first one with you guys and i wanted to spend it with all of us and i’m really sorry that i messed things up i hpoe you come back

 

_Today 8:32 PM_

**peter (not spiderman) parker:** hey, remy. it’s me again. I know i told you i’d stop messaging you, but i want you to know that i’m gonna start looking for you because i think something bad’s happened to you and i don’t want you to be tied up or stuck somewhere. I mean I’ve kinda been looking for you this whole time lol when I go out on patrols but i don’t really know where to start and if steve can’t find you why would I be able to, you know? but yeah.  I want you to know that i haven’t given up on you and I really want you to come home.

 

 **_Read_ ** _8:33 PM._


	2. war's not done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's the thing about grief:
> 
> it has Peter in a choke hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW style change???? Sorry about that guys but i legit couldn't figure out how to handle the rest of this fic just through texting so have some PROSE
> 
> also wow were we expecting humor? becAUSEE,,,, WHOOOOOO BOY.
> 
> (also some general ACTUAL notes: mind the date change, this chapter is set a week after the last one (what are time jumps); this is a whole bucketful of Peter angsting over his dead relatives so please mind your mental health; tread lightly, it's Sad.)

**X**

 

 

Aunt May loved Christmas time.

Well, maybe that’s a bit of a stretch. _Uncle Ben_ loved Christmas time, and so _Peter_ loved it, and so _May_ loved it. She was always exasperated with the two of them---the way they did everything seemed to make her hair stand on end. The way they dragged the tree through the door, huffing and puffing and laughing as pine needles showered the carpets and made the banister itchy, clung to their clothing. The way that Uncle Ben strung lights, untangling them for hours in the hallway just to be underfoot before marching himself outside and spending the better part of the evening out there, willfully missing dinner so he could finish them by Peter’s bedtime so he could see them all lit up and they could stand back and admire them.

May preferred white lights; Ben preferred colored. May preferred fake trees, Ben preferred real ones. May hated when they used newspapers in the chimney instead of a firestarter because it made the house reek of molding paper for days afterwards, but Ben always used them anyway. The only thing Aunt May loved doing was setting the stockings out; it was the only thing Ben reserved for her each year, playfully telling Peter each time that it was the only reason Aunt May put up with all the Christmas cheer.

But in the end, Aunt May had loved Christmas. They all had.

When Uncle Ben had died, Peter had thought that… it was the end of the Christmas tradition. He’d put up white lights and they’d get the fake tree from the basement and would go out and buy firestarters to use in the fireplace just on Christmas Eve instead of every day in December. He thought it was the end of Christmas chachka set out, the end of the throw pillows and blankets that Ben insisted on fetching from the basement, the end of the little village they put out by the window. Not because May hated that Ben did it---but because Ben had loved doing it.

But that first Christmas, there was nothing for it. December first rolled around, and Peter came home from school to find almost the whole of their Christmas box collection (a whopping twelve boxes) set out in the hallway, right where Ben had worked. Aunt May’s eyes had been crinkled in the corners from strain, and she had been breathless with something Peter thought went beyond the exertion of lifting boxes up stairs, but she’d taken one look at him and directed him to a box of multicolored lights and he’d sat there and sorted them as she went around making the house as garishly Christmas as she possibly could.

She didn’t hang the stockings, but Peter didn’t have the heart to tell her to. Not when the absence of them all covered up the absence of the one that really mattered.

But she’d smiled at him and they’d baked Ben’s favorite cookies and as the house began to smell of peanut butter and cinnamon, Peter had to think that the hole was at least a little less gaping. Just a little less empty.

And now… well.

Now they’re both gone, and Peter doesn’t even have the house to fill with their Christmas things. He doesn’t even have the Christmas things themselves to fill the apartment with. He’s not even in Matt’s apartment; he’s in Clint’s.

There’s a part of him that hates himself for throwing such a huge temper tantrum about the whole thing. Matt and Remy fighting was---not the best, sure, but it had been real, born of real frustration, and if they needed to fight then they needed to fight. It was stupid of him to try to stop them, to try and move apartments, thinking that he’d had it all figured out. He’d just wanted things to be… not normal, because nothing would ever be normal again without Aunt May or Uncle Ben, but. He wanted things to be a little like they used to, where he’d come home to a quiet, content house to quiet, content almost-parents. Where he didn’t have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing because when they weren’t arguing over Remy’s drinking problem, they were arguing over Peter.

It wasn’t like he never listened in, either. He’d done his fair share of eavesdropping---but he’d always come away from it feeling uneasy and kind of nauseous, like he’d eaten something he’d known was rotten and his stomach was feeling the effects before they actually kicked in. There’d always been a portion about how they should be _handling him_ \--- _their_ words, like he was a fine piece of china that they were determined not to break in transit. _You can’t coddle him_ and _you can’t expect him to be grown_ and _just because he’s an orphan doesn’t mean he can’t make it on_ **_his own,_ ** _Matt!_ and _just because he’s an orphan doesn’t mean he_ **_has to!_ ** and it was always then (orphan, orphan) that he’d have to force himself away, lock himself in the bathroom as it came to shouts, then fists because Remy couldn’t stand Matt’s logic and Matt couldn’t resist letting the Devil out against someone who was so utterly opposed to his moral code.

And Peter had been stupid. Stupid enough to think that just moving to a bigger apartment would fix it; stupid enough to try. Stupid enough to hope that if they got some space, if they gave him some space, then everything wouldn’t be so sharp, so poignant. He’d thought that if he could get enough space to prove them both wrong---to leave when he wished, and come back before bad things happened---that then the argument would be put to rest.

(It was such a hard line to toe. Too close, and Peter put them at risk; too far, and they’d die looking for him. Peter knew. He’d already made that mistake---had made both those mistakes.)

It’s Christmas Eve.

Aunt May and Uncle Ben loved Christmas. It’s taken this long for Peter to realize that it’s because they’d all spent it as a family. Ten years with them hadn’t been enough. Not nearly enough.

And now, Matt and Remy are gone too. All because he couldn’t keep his stupid mouth shut.

Sitting in front of the fireplace, Peter rests his chin on his knees and looks up at the stockings, lips twisting. _Clint, Kate, Peter, Matt._ He’d only half expected to see his own snuggled between May and Ben’s instead.

His phone buzzes against the floor, his back pocket vibrating. For a minute, Peter considers leaving it alone, but he already knows who it is. He shifts and pulls it out in front of him, squinting at his messages before lowering the brightness so he can look at the screen without being blinded.

_**little-red:** I know you like your brooding time, but if you stay up much longer I'll have to drag you out of bed to get to church with Matt tomorrow morning. Unless you forgot, bug brain._

He stares at it a moment, half-touched and half annoyed (he isn’t fragile, he isn’t breaking apart, just because he’s been through a few panic attacks doesn’t mean he needs a keeper) before he types out his response.

 ** _peter (not spiderman) parker:_** _just for that i'm waiting up to tattle on you for bullying_

She doesn’t reply, but she doesn’t need to. They both know he won’t actually go to bed, because if Matt isn’t back by tomorrow, he isn’t going to church anyway. (They both know he isn’t going to bed for a lot of reasons, and it’s not because he doesn’t have to go to church if Matt’s not back.)

He isn’t even particularly religious. Yeah, he’s Catholic, and Aunt May and Uncle Ben were, but they didn’t attend Mass very often and Christmas was usually just a time spent with family. May always put out a nativity scene which Peter wouldn’t particularly mind the absence of if it didn’t mean that Aunt May didn’t get the chance to… well. To put it out.

But Peter isn’t trying to be sad. Aunt May and Uncle Ben wouldn’t have wanted him to be sad on Christmas. They’d want him to try to celebrate, to try and be happy, to try and be with his… his found family. (They’re not new. They’re not replacing his old. Peter’s careful to remember that.)

So try Peter did. He’d hung out the stockings with them, had helped them adorn the chimney with garland and lights and Clint’s snow globe collection that was only broken out for special Christmas occasions. The lights were multicolored; the tree was decorated with all the ornaments the team could find. Wanda, Bucky, and Steve’s menorah was placed in the window. Peter smiled and laughed and participated just like he had all year.

And truth be told, it had been a _good_ year. A _really_ good year.

But it had also been… a _reeeaaally_ bad year.

His eyes burn, and all at once he gives up on his tears and lets them come.

Because here’s the thing about grief: it doesn’t go away. It’s not like in the movies where the main character moves past it or moves on or whatever. That’s not how it works. Grief doesn’t _go away._ You just forget it’s there.

First you forget for a millisecond. For half a millisecond, you forget to mourn. And then it comes back, full force, crashes over your head again and drowns out everything but the misery you feel and the gaping hole in your chest. It feels like it’ll never, ever stop, until the next millisecond you forget again. The worst part about the milliseconds are that you don’t even realize they happen until they’re over, when you’re drowning again and all you have is that hole and that misery and the faintest grasp of that barest moment of peace.

But then they happen for a minute. For a beat of laughter. For however long it takes for your lips to twitch into a smile. You sleep, because you forget then too. And you dream because sometimes the grief decides it won’t let you forget.

Here’s the thing about grief: it doesn’t ever go away. But it doesn’t hurt forever. Time scabs over the gaping wound, and then it scars and only aches when you press on it or when the day is particularly gloomy or something nudges against it and reawakens an old hurt.

But here’s the other thing about grief: it never really works in a straight line.  
  
Sometimes it hurts so bad Peter could scream. Sometimes it hurts like pressing into a sore muscle does. But it always hurts, no matter how long Peter manages to forget. It always hurts.

He sits there in front of a fireplace that smells like gas instead of firewood under stockings that have all the wrong names in an apartment that has all the wrong decorations in all the right places. He sits there in front of a fireplace that should be woodburning in Queens and not gasburning in Brooklyn, under stockings that are mislabeled, in an apartment that should be a house that should have been a home but the home died for good when May did.

He chokes on a sob, and another, and another. And then he doesn’t anymore and lets them come, and it’s the worst sort of relief to curl up around his knees and cry. It’s not noisy; it’s the kind of grief that sneaks up on you and preys from behind, wraps jaws around your neck and strangles the sounds before they escape, before you can call for help. But even at that same time, Peter’s grateful for it, too (because Clint and Kate are down the hall, because Bucky’s not asleep by far, because Wanda’s listening carefully for him even though she’d never impose).

His phone buzzes. He looks at it through foggy eyes.

There’s only one text, but it’s the only one that matters, really.

 _**little-red:**   _ _we’re so sorry, Peter. We really, really are.  
_

He knows she means it---and means well.

He can't help but wonder what exactly she's sorry for, though---for Aunt May, for Matt, or for Remy.

Because Matt's been gone a week, Remy a full month, and Peter... 

Peter can't lose all three.

He just. He just can't.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wheremst is matt? wheremst is remy?
> 
> also? you just try to pry Jewish Bucky, Steve, and Wanda from my cold dead goddamn hands. you just try
> 
> (i hope you enjoyed the style change rip pls leave a comment to feed a starving Artiste)


	3. A Guy and Some Goo Walk Into A Bar...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They always did say alcohol was poisonous to you in health class.
> 
> Remy likes the venom just fine, thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone ! So here it is, another chapter that took 5 years to give to you but is here now ! I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Standard Remy LeBeau warnings apply: gratuitous cursing, mentions of a drinking problem, an Actually Depicted drinking problem. Proceed at your own risk

_ November 24th, the day after Thanksgiving: 1:05am _

_ O’Malley’s Pub, Tenth Avenue _

 

He’s pissed about the whole thing; he admits it.

Sure, he’s no walk in the park---but Matt and all the others had known that going in. He’s a solo act, and since being with the X-Men (and subsequently leaving the X-Men) Remy hasn’t wanted another team. He’s happiest when he’s alone, and being in that cramped two bed one bath apartment was cramping his style.

But it was better than being homeless. And Peter, when he’d picked Remy up, sure as hell had seemed determined not to leave him alone, so along Remy had gone.

Of course he’d know the kid was---well. A kid. For one, his voice had cracked when he’d realized Remy was the Remy, the X-Men’s Remy (which was flattering to say the least, considering most forgot about him), but for the other… the kid just seemed like a kid. He had this save one person, save the world mentality that Remy had found foolishly endearing.

It was that sort of thinking that got most vigilantes killed, though, and since Matt wasn’t doing much to show the kid the ropes, it fell upon Remy to give Peter the real lessons. He taught Peter how to pickpocket; taught Peter how to sneak around effectively. Taught Peter about undercover work, the art of subtly. 

_ You keep running that mouth, you’re gonna say something you regret one day, _ he’d said.

Peter had smirked.  _ Or just something you don’t want to hear. Getting sensitive in your old age? _

_ Ey.  _ Remy had given Peter a slap around the head.  _ Pay attention, kid; this’ll save your life one day. _

Where Matt had been concerned with sheltering Peter from life’s difficulties,  _ Remy  _ had been teaching him how to cope with them. Peter had already seen awful things in his life; had already been through years of trauma. It was amazing the kid was on his feet, still in school, still smiling. Still having that save one person, save the world mentality that Captain America himself would love.

Remy hasn’t always agreed with Matt; that’s true. Their mentoring styles are different and don’t compliment each other well for the fact that they’re always contradicting each other. Matt says jump and Peter asks how high; Remy says leap and Peter asks from what bridge. It’s not that Peter is too eager to please, but that Matt and Remy are too damn stubborn to collaborate.

Remy gets that, alright? He admits that. He drinks too much for Matt’s liking; passes out shitfaced more than he’s sure Matt approves of. But Matt isn’t exactly the cream of the crop for mentors, either, coming home half beaten to death after breaking bones and making bad guys pee their pants. Matt’s a crusader. Remy may be a lot of things, but the only thing he campaigns for is the kid staying alive and enjoying life. He demonstrates by example.

Matt? Matt’s all air.

Still. He knows well that Peter loves the asshole, and the one thing that he and Matt see eye to eye on is their love for Peter. They dance around each other when they teach, trying not to contract too strongly while still swaying the kid, in Remy’s case, towards the right path.

Their fights, of course, get out of hand when they do happen. They have shouting matches often; what roommates don’t? And it’s always over things like  _ Matt’s crusade of Hell’s Kitchen _ or  _ Remy’s drinking problem _ , but the underlying argument has been, and always will be,  _ what the fuck are you teaching that kid?! _

So yeah, he gets mad. But it isn’t at  _ Peter _ . 

Staring down at the last message Peter sent him, Remy sighs and swallows the rest of his shot, grimacing as the burn races down his throat. Peter’s clearly pissed at him, but that’s fair, all things considered; Remy had stomped off in a fit and had said some shitty things. He’s sure the twerp is just as angry at Matt, so that’s something, at least.

He’ll go back. He knows he will; even if he says that he doesn’t need them, he’s found a family in them (especially Peter), and he knows that he’ll tire of being on the streets real quick. Plus, there’s no way Peter won’t find him if he  _ does  _ decide to run away, and there’s no way that everyone in that group won’t come to slit his throat for hurting Peter’s feelings.

As for Peter’s argument to live with Clint…

Well, the thing of it is, Remy doesn’t know how living with the others will go. He’s already stepped on everyone’s toes, and doesn’t want to get Peter’s hopes up if he does agree to do so. The thing about living at Matt’s is---it’s almost like he’s a free agent. It’s not his apartment, it’s not his problem.

But if he gets his own place at Clint’s, really makes roots, then it’s… it’s official. It’s inevitable that he’ll go back there; there’ll be no way he could pick up and leave. This thing he has with Matt is the perfect excuse to clear the fuck out of dodge if he needs to; no leases to take care of, no crazy ex-wives finding his paper address. A clean getaway.

But if Peter’s as miserable as he claims… and that kid, that kid’s a martyr through and through; he’s fucking miserable. If Peter’s that miserable, then… well, Remy knows he’ll take the L if it means Peter’ll be happier.

Besides. Maybe Matt’ll finally be off his back about keeping liquor in the cabinets.

Decision made, Remy waves the bartender over for another shot, just for the road. A little bit of liquid courage never hurt anyone, and he doubts he and Matt will be ready to talk until at least tomorrow. They’ll avoid each other come being back in the apartment, but at least it’ll resolve things. 

His last shot is on the rocks---a change he didn’t ask for, but alcohol is alcohol and he doesn’t care---so he knocks it back and lays the bills on the table (sticky and covered in some gross goo), bunching his hands into his pockets as he leaves. It’s chilly in the city; the temperature is probably around twenty degrees, and he’s not dressed warm enough for a late night stroll. Still, he thinks maybe it’d be a good idea to linger out a while; he’s not sure what Matt’s up to, but he’s sure that the prick is waiting up to settle the disagreement _ mono e mono.  _ Matt always feels that way when the clock gets too close to the witching hour. Remy’s pretty sure it has something to do with what Matt calls The Devil, but whatever.

He glances at his phone, but there are no messages there. For a second, he considers texting Peter back---but he knows teenagers and he knows Peter, and the kid needs time to cool off himself. It’s no use to argue more about something that’ll be resolved come morning.

He walks for some time; he’s feeling wobbly from the shots he did and his head is beginning to hurt, an indication that it’s time to head home before he wakes up passed out in a dumpster or something. He turns that way, follows the street signs as best he can and wakes up.

He blinks, squinting up at the light. It’s streaming in from the skylight above hi---wait, that’s not a skylight, it’s just that the ceiling caved in. What the fuck? Did he crash here last night without any memory of doing so? He doesn’t---he doesn’t even remember walking to wherever it is he’s at. It’s a warehouse, so really he can assume it’s the warehouse district that’s on the edge of Hell’s Kitchen, but last night he was just passing 44th, so really…

He pushes himself up. He feels fine, for all he thinks he must really have a hangover. He fishes around for his phone (it’s in his front pocket, which is fucking weird), and checks the time. It’s not too late in the morning; it’s only just hit eleven o’clock. At least he---

Wait.

Thanksgiving was---what, the twenty fourth? 

_ So why the fuck does it say it’s the twenty seventh? _

He’s confused more than he’s alarmed---he’s been blackout drunk before, alright---but this isn’t exactly how being drunk usually works, at least not for him. Still---he’s not overly concerned about it, especially because he doesn’t have any texts… none, actually, at all, from anyone. Not even Peter.

Something inside him swells with hurt, and anger bites at him.  _ Does Peter ignore Matt for that long? _ Something bitter inside him whispers. He purses his lips, shakes his head, and tucks his phone back into his pocket; if Peter doesn’t want to talk to him, then fine. The twerp still needs space; Remy gets it.

But if the twerp still needs space, then there’s no reason for Remy not to get roaring drunk in the meantime.

He brushes himself off---awkwardly wonders where he got this new shirt, because he’d been wearing blue, not black, and he doesn’t need petty theft on his rap sheet with Murdock---and heads down to the nearest pub with the intention of not thinking for a while.

 

_______

 

_ December 24th, 10:37pm _

The kid’s finally stopped texting him, thank  _ fuck. _

Remy’s been thinking for the past two weeks, really ruminating. The Parker kid for-fucking-sure doesn’t need him; Remy’s been peeking in on him just to see what he’s up to, and he seems fine and dandy. They all do, actually; none of them needed him after all. Steve was looking for him for a hot second, but it was pretty easy to shake the guy; Steve’s a soldier, not a spy. The rest of them are happy to bake cookies and decorate Clint’s apartment without him.

Remy’d known when he joined; he’d  _ known  _ he’d be kicked out like yesterday’s trash. The kid’s been patrolling for him, and he’d listened to even  _ one  _ of Remy’s lessons he’d be successful. But no; Parker didn’t even do that.  _ Discarded _ , the voice in his head whispers.  _ Good thing you have us now. _

“Yeah,” Remy drawls as he watches Peter settle down in front of the fireplace, opening the kid’s messages for the first time. He’s looked at them, sure; dismissed them from his screen easy enough.  “It’s not like we needed ‘em anyway.”

_ No, _ the voice in his head whispers in agreement.  _ We didn’t.  _ **_We’re_ ** _ enough. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment for a starving artiste
> 
> I'm taking suggestions/requests/commissions, so if you're interested in seeing something specific drop me a line or come find me @the-lost-colony.tumblr.com OR @riffrcfffed.tumblr.com for more content / just to chat !

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr @the-lost-colony.tumblr.com


End file.
